MEANWHILE, IN THE FAR OFF LAND OF RAINBOWS, FLOOR SCRUBBER GINA WAS WASHING THE WINDOWS. A VERY NAUGHTY THING TO DO. SINCE SHE IS A FLOOR SCRUBBER. BUT THAT'S THE KIND OF PERSON GINA WAS.
A REBEL.
NO BODY KNEW MUCH ABOUT HER, OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT SHE PAINTED CEILINGS FOR LARGE GOVERNMENT OFFICES. SHE'S BEEN TO THE WHITE HOUSE, HITLERS BATHROOM AND EVEN A ROOM WHICH STALIN WAS PLAYING SNOOKER IN.
SHE WAS AN ENIGMA.
BUT ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT SHE LIKED TO SCRUB FLOORS AND WASH PEOPLES CATS, SHE WAS A RELATIVELY NORMAL GIRL. QUIET. KEPT TO HERSELF. HAD A WOODEN LEG.
BUT TODAY WAS A SPECIAL DAY FOR GINA THE FLOOR SCRUBBING TREE-BORG. SHE JUST SO HAPPENED TO BE TRAVELING, AT A CONSTANT SPEED OF 6000000KM/H TO ANOTHER PLANET. LUCKY HER.
A NEW GOVERNMENT WAS SET UP ON THE FAR OFF PLANET OF FOVRENTIA.
AND IT WAS HER SOLE DUTY TO PAINT THEIR GARDEN. WHY A GARDEN? BECAUSE SHE IS A REBEL.
THE MAYOR LOOKED SOMEWHAT LIKE A PLATYPUS WHO WAS TAKEN A BEATING TO BY A BASEBALL BAT. (WHAT APPEARED TO BE) IT'S EYE WAS DROOPING OUT OF A SOCKET ON IT'S FOREHEAD. MAYOR SIR LORD MR SAINT REGINOLD LOOKED DOWN AT YOUNG GINA WITH SUSPICION.
"WHY ARE YOU PAINTING MY PRIZED GRAPE TREES?" CRIED THE FREAK.
GINA STARED AT HIM BLANKLY. DEEPLY. INTO HIS VERY SOUL. AND FROM THAT EXACT MOMENT. I KNEW. THAT SOMETHING TERRIBLE WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. AND I JUST HAD TO STOP THEM.
Thursday, November 25
Sunday, November 7
Chapter One: Assisted Suicide
I stumbled out of the small crater left behind from my entrance. “Very Terminator” I thought as the rain viciously pelted the ground below me. I could see steam rise up from my feet. Unfortunately my body was too numb to notice how hot the tarmac was. As I smelt something burning I looked down and realized my feet were crisping.
Shit.
Leaping off the road with my charcoaled toes a car zoomed past, splashing me. Great! The pungent odor of flesh filled the streets. Appealing as that was to my nostrils, my feet quickly regenerated their natural feet-ness. So far every-thing's going according to plan.
Now then. Time to kill myself!
As luck would have it I happened to be right across the street from my old apartment condo. The complex glistened in the dark blue, night sky. A pale green moon lay behind it in the background. A little different from what I remembered. There was an old sports center next to the building with a shoddy fence in-between them. Back in the day I used to jump it all the time when I forgot my key card to get in. As I went to scale the rotting brown fence, one of the security guards from the sport center saw me! He yelled an awkward “Oiiwegah!?” which sent a lethal attack dog at me with full might. Just what I was hoping for.
I used the canine as leverage when it charged into the fence. It let off a low whimper mixed with a fart as it bumped it's head. I think I used to know this dog. The guard, dumbfounded by my amazing feat didn't bother to look for me on the other side. He wasn't paid to protect next door anyway.
Inside I had to trek a measly 24 story's worth of stairs.
No Problem.
The time was about 11PM right now. Knowing the Rivett family, everyone would be asleep. Well, everyone but me.
I waltzed in through the front door using my aged house key. It was good to be home. The large chandelier above the dining table looked like it was levitating in the light of the ominous green moon. It was all so peaceful. Except for that little buzzing noise I heard down the hall. As I got closer to my old room, the noise become sound, and that sound turned into music. Really, really loud music. God, was I really that obnoxious?
I quietly peered through my bedroom door, and saw myself. Fifteen. Skinny. Acne-ridden. On the computer, probably on some social networking site talking to a girl he knows he'll never have. The perfect package really. I didn't have to worry about making too much noise though. The music booming out of my speakers was actually making the entire room tremble. Not really feeling like a paradoxical conversation with myself, I swiftly snapped my own neck.
“Easy.”
Friday, October 22
Friends
You call me Arsehole.
I call you Prick.
I'm a Bastard.
But you're a Dick.
It's a vicious cycle,
But it's never the same.
A huge contradiction,
But we'll never feel shame.
You can call me Arsehole.
But you're still a Prick.
I'm a selfish Bastard.
But You, my Friend, are a Dick.
Monday, October 4
Friday, September 24
Not a story about a clown
Run! Run! As fast as you can! Don't look now, it's a really fat man!
He charges down the street, with tears on his feet. As he yells:
"I'd rather eat a sock with mayo, then a cauldron with Jello!"
So he charges down the street, with an inelegant might.
When suddenly, comes a rancid looking thing, for a fight.
"Well hello there my good fellow" says the disorderly young cello.
"I believe I heard you say, you don't like Jello?"
But the fat man just could not hear. As he bleated, kicked and jeared.
And away went the disorderly young cello. With an earful, of Othello.
Yes the very play from Shakespeare himself.
Of which the fat man, knew squelch.
But none the less he used it good, and he used it well!
Until the poor little cello, was like an old man. All wrinkly, do tell.
This fat man was now going nuts, nothing could stop his incongruous guts.
Poring out the street, like a wave of pink.
Except it crushed everything and kinda went "squink"
This rather large man just began to grow and grow.
Until a little girl popped up, dressed like a crow.
"ka kaw" quoth-ed the girl. And "ka kaw" she did right.
But that just wasn't enough, to halt this fat mans plight.
The almost gelatinous substance, washed over the town.
Thorough and precise, reminiscent of a dirty clown.
(who just so happened to clean with poop.
Yes, a rather messy tale, filled with torture, and goop.)
Could nothing stop this rounder then average joe?
Not a school teacher, a fireman, or even a street vendor, with a strangely shaped toe!?
No one will be safe, once the fat man has expanded.
No one will have cake, until the fat man has been branded
(deceased, or at the very least, been horribly disbanded).
And now I suppose you're wondering what happened,
To this porker of a ham?
Well... He kinda just popped.
and so ends the story.
Of some really fat man.
He charges down the street, with tears on his feet. As he yells:
"I'd rather eat a sock with mayo, then a cauldron with Jello!"
So he charges down the street, with an inelegant might.
When suddenly, comes a rancid looking thing, for a fight.
"Well hello there my good fellow" says the disorderly young cello.
"I believe I heard you say, you don't like Jello?"
But the fat man just could not hear. As he bleated, kicked and jeared.
And away went the disorderly young cello. With an earful, of Othello.
Yes the very play from Shakespeare himself.
Of which the fat man, knew squelch.
But none the less he used it good, and he used it well!
Until the poor little cello, was like an old man. All wrinkly, do tell.
This fat man was now going nuts, nothing could stop his incongruous guts.
Poring out the street, like a wave of pink.
Except it crushed everything and kinda went "squink"
This rather large man just began to grow and grow.
Until a little girl popped up, dressed like a crow.
"ka kaw" quoth-ed the girl. And "ka kaw" she did right.
But that just wasn't enough, to halt this fat mans plight.
The almost gelatinous substance, washed over the town.
Thorough and precise, reminiscent of a dirty clown.
(who just so happened to clean with poop.
Yes, a rather messy tale, filled with torture, and goop.)
Could nothing stop this rounder then average joe?
Not a school teacher, a fireman, or even a street vendor, with a strangely shaped toe!?
No one will be safe, once the fat man has expanded.
No one will have cake, until the fat man has been branded
(deceased, or at the very least, been horribly disbanded).
And now I suppose you're wondering what happened,
To this porker of a ham?
Well... He kinda just popped.
and so ends the story.
Of some really fat man.
Tuesday, September 14
Why?
If a word were a word and that word's a certain word. could the word, word together a certain other word with various other words to form some kind of "series of words"?
But what if the word dare not be uttered for words are words after all, and if series of words are words packed with possibility, could the word be the end of all that is known of other words?
And if these word series are short lived, to what word would they be described? If for instance words are worded like a particular word, to word out some kind of strange meaning. But.. Unfortunately words in the end are to be spoken.
And speaking is rudiment-ally different from wording words in series on paper. For speaking requires the words to perhaps have some remedial sense of unknown meaning. But the words itself together sound ridiculous, so hence the words in succession require no such thing as speaking for that would defeat the purpose of speaking in the first place.
Now throw this in. If speaking is supposedly the ramblings of what is most likely a crazy person, could the words then not matter if they were worded right and still spoken? Like a word that's been worded a little wrong, but you still get the picture. Even though these words aren't like that. But insane in the membrane nonetheless.
Hmm.. Words..
But what if the word dare not be uttered for words are words after all, and if series of words are words packed with possibility, could the word be the end of all that is known of other words?
And if these word series are short lived, to what word would they be described? If for instance words are worded like a particular word, to word out some kind of strange meaning. But.. Unfortunately words in the end are to be spoken.
And speaking is rudiment-ally different from wording words in series on paper. For speaking requires the words to perhaps have some remedial sense of unknown meaning. But the words itself together sound ridiculous, so hence the words in succession require no such thing as speaking for that would defeat the purpose of speaking in the first place.
Now throw this in. If speaking is supposedly the ramblings of what is most likely a crazy person, could the words then not matter if they were worded right and still spoken? Like a word that's been worded a little wrong, but you still get the picture. Even though these words aren't like that. But insane in the membrane nonetheless.
Hmm.. Words..
Sunday, August 22
Your Fly is down
It has been many a month since Little Goodrip has last been seen. Sources indicate after being trapped in an infinite void of horror and despair inside a fat man's belly button, It has finally returned home, to finish off those waffles it laid out to dry before It left home that morning. This is It's story.
"You don't... Remember me?" It was trembling for words. "After all we've been through? You chose to forget me?"
"Hello. My little scrumpy one." Little Goodrip beamed at its long lost food of choice. "I've missed you. Ever so dearly."
The waffle stared blankly at Little Goodrip. Almost as if it didn't recognise It any more. This brought a tear to Little Goodrip's left ear hole.
The waffle, being an ignorant fellow, chose to ignore It. By drooping to the side a bit.
"Oh. I see how it is. You found someone else, didn't you?" Little Goodrip took a long sigh as It watched an old Fly make out with the Waffle. It's Saliva dripping everywhere.
"Sqwuuk sqlluech sqwua.." Quoted the Fly very redundantly.
"Why did you do this to me, friend!? WHY!?" Little Goodrip tried to refrain from heading into hysterics. "You know.. If you were a frog. I would of named you, 'Spotty'."
The Waffle had enough to hear of Little Goodrip's pedantics. It fell off the clothesline. The crusty mold which formed beneath it shattered away, and it fell into some blobby custard.
But Little Goodrip had lost interest by now.
It went back inside.
As a reasonably damp hurricane swept Little Goodrip away.
Saturday, August 7
What I learned today
Today has been such a frivolous day of exotic knowledge and conquest that i just can't help but communicate all of these amazing lessons. Jammed tightly into one day, like that jar of jam you seriously can't be bothered to get out of the back of your fridge because the lid is too tight.
Alright, here goes:
1. Agnostic is code for pussy atheists.
2. Rickshaw drivers are arseholes. (All the ones i've seen anyway)
3. They make swiss army knives with hammers on them!
4. Mohawks make sleep feel uneven. (I mean, unless you sleep on the side..)
5. Baboons try to feed their deceased children.
6. Irony's hilarious.
7. My friend knows a psychopath who strangled a bunny out of curiosity.
8. Asking people to tell me something i don't know doesn't always yield good results.
9. Weavels like dog food. ( I wonder if dogs like weavels?)
10. I can't comb a cat.
11. Blogger saves everything you do, even if you go to a new page by accident..
12. Plastic bottles give you breast cancer by putting them in your ears :)
13. The cheese nachos known as chachos aren't very cheesy.
14. In fact they don't even taste very nacho-y
15.200219 more minutes till Christmas!!
Alright, here goes:
1. Agnostic is code for pussy atheists.
2. Rickshaw drivers are arseholes. (All the ones i've seen anyway)
3. They make swiss army knives with hammers on them!
4. Mohawks make sleep feel uneven. (I mean, unless you sleep on the side..)
5. Baboons try to feed their deceased children.
6. Irony's hilarious.
7. My friend knows a psychopath who strangled a bunny out of curiosity.
8. Asking people to tell me something i don't know doesn't always yield good results.
9. Weavels like dog food. ( I wonder if dogs like weavels?)
10. I can't comb a cat.
11. Blogger saves everything you do, even if you go to a new page by accident..
12. Plastic bottles give you breast cancer by putting them in your ears :)
13. The cheese nachos known as chachos aren't very cheesy.
14. In fact they don't even taste very nacho-y
15.200219 more minutes till Christmas!!
CREDITS: facts 7 and 15, from Murielle
facts 5, 9 and 12, from Hayley
Thank you both.
Thursday, August 5
Awkward
Sweat ran from their necks. An indescribable amount, flowing out of their pits.
"so..." One of them said, trying to find a topic to discuss. "Lovely weather we're having, isn't it?"
The Bug-eyed man behind the counter licked his lips, slowly, to savor the taste
of his "Cherry flavored" Lip balm.
The Weasel decided to answer the firsts question. "Oh yes, quite, like a summers dream amidst a light winter morning."
"Sure..." The firsts fists fumbled inside it's fur frock.
All of a sudden a daffodil bearing man barged into the room, holding a live mongoose. "Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed my Precious!!"
The Mongoose ripped open the firsts face casket and feasted on it's insidious eye juices. It then threw itself upon the weasel. Hair on edge, the weasel shattered a glass and tried to stab the mongoose. But the mongoose had a secret plan up it's sleeveless fur. From it's esophagus it spasmed a large rip cord out. With the jagged rip cord and broken glass, The weasel and mongoose have a fight to the death! Stab after lash after Krrzzt.
The duel was long and hard. But, of course, the mongoose came out victorious. tearing it's opponents spine out of it's back. the cerebrospinal fluid drip-drip-dripped like a tap. All while the weasel was still alive! Once the weasel's fluid was fully drained and sprawled out on the floor like a big white paint spill, the mongoose lapped up the liquid along with the sticky alcohol already on the floor. Now drunk with power, the mongoose went to leap at the remaining patron. The bug eye man.
But, with it's newly alcohol heightened senses, it accidentally leapt to the dart board next to the chapped man. Unfortunately for the mongoose, the darts were DOUBLE SIDED.
All that was left standing was the daffodil bearing freak. And the bug eyed man. They decided to put their differences aside however and settle for some nice skewered mongoose.
And they all lived happily ever after.
"so..." One of them said, trying to find a topic to discuss. "Lovely weather we're having, isn't it?"
The Bug-eyed man behind the counter licked his lips, slowly, to savor the taste
of his "Cherry flavored" Lip balm.
The Weasel decided to answer the firsts question. "Oh yes, quite, like a summers dream amidst a light winter morning."
"Sure..." The firsts fists fumbled inside it's fur frock.
All of a sudden a daffodil bearing man barged into the room, holding a live mongoose. "Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed my Precious!!"
The Mongoose ripped open the firsts face casket and feasted on it's insidious eye juices. It then threw itself upon the weasel. Hair on edge, the weasel shattered a glass and tried to stab the mongoose. But the mongoose had a secret plan up it's sleeveless fur. From it's esophagus it spasmed a large rip cord out. With the jagged rip cord and broken glass, The weasel and mongoose have a fight to the death! Stab after lash after Krrzzt.
The duel was long and hard. But, of course, the mongoose came out victorious. tearing it's opponents spine out of it's back. the cerebrospinal fluid drip-drip-dripped like a tap. All while the weasel was still alive! Once the weasel's fluid was fully drained and sprawled out on the floor like a big white paint spill, the mongoose lapped up the liquid along with the sticky alcohol already on the floor. Now drunk with power, the mongoose went to leap at the remaining patron. The bug eye man.
But, with it's newly alcohol heightened senses, it accidentally leapt to the dart board next to the chapped man. Unfortunately for the mongoose, the darts were DOUBLE SIDED.
All that was left standing was the daffodil bearing freak. And the bug eyed man. They decided to put their differences aside however and settle for some nice skewered mongoose.
And they all lived happily ever after.
THE END
Monday, July 19
Friday, July 2
Connor my cousin. (oh, and best friend.)
Well... She's not really my cousin.
She's just this supremely awesome person i was forced to meet when i was very, very young. i had no choice in the matter.
But thats alright. I don't regret it. Much.
i still remember the time she actually FELL OFF my roof, because i said not to do it..
She fell onto my dads car.
I thought she died... No one believed me. how could someone be so STUPID to actually CLIMB up onto the attic door, connected to the roof, and lean out, as far as she possibly could! i always felt a little guilty. I mean.... I didn't push her....
Oh, and did i mention the time she bit me. on the NOSE! Of all places. the NOSE! I don't remember much. We were only 2 months old, but, the emotional scar still remains. :'(
And don't even get me started on the first time she saw me after we moved from Australia! I just happened, to have, reasonably.. long hair.. And i was.. kinda.. wearing an.. APPARENTLY "feminine" shirt. But if you ask me. I thought it was a very manly purple colour. She thought i was a girl in the lookout for arriving planes. Can you believe that!?
Heheh, oh, but that reminds me of the time when she thought she was gonna get eaten by a little, tiny, fish! It looked just like Nemo! And she was just floating around, dangling her arms, right next to the fish. Obviously trying to provoke it. And then it bites her!! HAHAHA She was crying and screaming and she swallowed SO MUCH water! Luckily I was there to uh... Comfort her.. In my own special way, after the "incident".
Thief.
Thats a word i can describe her with.
You see.. One day, we went to a little island for dinner.
It was pretty nice.
We tried the local dirty water or,
"Kava" as the locals call it. (look it up)
We did a little jig. Got to hold some pointy sticks.
Real tribal ya know?
Like i really felt like i was a part of the cannibals giving me a tour of their little island.
they even showed us some skulls of the ancestors they killed and ate!
It was all a great day!
But then... Out of the blue.
Connor, being the, conniving girl that she is.
Decided, that, the restaurant we were at for dinner,
Didn't need.
One.
Napkin.
So she took it.
She took it, on a boat.
Allegedly left it on the boat.
But then, SOMEHOW,
It mysteriously ended up,
In my mums car.
But through thick and thin.
Connor, has always been there for me.
Whether it was, to go on a ride with me in Disneyland.
Or forgiving me, for nearly making her blind.
She's always had a good tolerance level.
For someone, as annoying as me.
And for that, I thank her.
Thank you Connor, for letting me know you, all my life.
Can't wait to get married!
She's just this supremely awesome person i was forced to meet when i was very, very young. i had no choice in the matter.
But thats alright. I don't regret it. Much.
i still remember the time she actually FELL OFF my roof, because i said not to do it..
She fell onto my dads car.
I thought she died... No one believed me. how could someone be so STUPID to actually CLIMB up onto the attic door, connected to the roof, and lean out, as far as she possibly could! i always felt a little guilty. I mean.... I didn't push her....
Oh, and did i mention the time she bit me. on the NOSE! Of all places. the NOSE! I don't remember much. We were only 2 months old, but, the emotional scar still remains. :'(
And don't even get me started on the first time she saw me after we moved from Australia! I just happened, to have, reasonably.. long hair.. And i was.. kinda.. wearing an.. APPARENTLY "feminine" shirt. But if you ask me. I thought it was a very manly purple colour. She thought i was a girl in the lookout for arriving planes. Can you believe that!?
Heheh, oh, but that reminds me of the time when she thought she was gonna get eaten by a little, tiny, fish! It looked just like Nemo! And she was just floating around, dangling her arms, right next to the fish. Obviously trying to provoke it. And then it bites her!! HAHAHA She was crying and screaming and she swallowed SO MUCH water! Luckily I was there to uh... Comfort her.. In my own special way, after the "incident".
Thief.
Thats a word i can describe her with.
You see.. One day, we went to a little island for dinner.
It was pretty nice.
We tried the local dirty water or,
"Kava" as the locals call it. (look it up)
We did a little jig. Got to hold some pointy sticks.
Real tribal ya know?
Like i really felt like i was a part of the cannibals giving me a tour of their little island.
they even showed us some skulls of the ancestors they killed and ate!
It was all a great day!
But then... Out of the blue.
Connor, being the, conniving girl that she is.
Decided, that, the restaurant we were at for dinner,
Didn't need.
One.
Napkin.
So she took it.
She took it, on a boat.
Allegedly left it on the boat.
But then, SOMEHOW,
It mysteriously ended up,
In my mums car.
But through thick and thin.
Connor, has always been there for me.
Whether it was, to go on a ride with me in Disneyland.
Or forgiving me, for nearly making her blind.
She's always had a good tolerance level.
For someone, as annoying as me.
And for that, I thank her.
Thank you Connor, for letting me know you, all my life.
Can't wait to get married!
Change
In the face of change.
People have three options:
Run away from it.
Accept it.
or kill it.
But we all know it's there.
And we KNOW whats gonna happen.
But yet.. Somehow, deep inside.
You just don't want to let it know,
that you know,
that it knows,
what you don't wanna know,
but you try not to let it know,
except we all know,
that we know,
that it knows:
that change.
Is there.
And no matter, how much we want it to stay the same.
Everything's just gonna fall to pieces.
Sometimes for the best.
Sometimes.. not.
But change is still inevitable.
People have three options:
Run away from it.
Accept it.
or kill it.
But we all know it's there.
And we KNOW whats gonna happen.
But yet.. Somehow, deep inside.
You just don't want to let it know,
that you know,
that it knows,
what you don't wanna know,
but you try not to let it know,
except we all know,
that we know,
that it knows:
that change.
Is there.
And no matter, how much we want it to stay the same.
Everything's just gonna fall to pieces.
Sometimes for the best.
Sometimes.. not.
But change is still inevitable.
Man thats the last time i try and be philosophical.
Wednesday, May 19
Chapter Six: Burn
"Bullocks!"
The loud crash awoke Dr. Bitch. Splashing smoldering hot coffee all over the doctors crotch. But the searing pain just wasn't enough to match the sudden burst of fear that swept over Bitch like a swarm of angry hornets encountering a giant frog.
The experiment was out.
Ecybr was gone.
Dr. Bitch waddled over to the control panel, and saw into the one-way window. A huge hole in the middle of the floor. Damn it, why didn't he stay awake!? No matter. He knew what needed to be done. The Doctor dialed his super secret security code "0003" and unleashed the freaks. Failed experiments. Kept up in cages to be used at times like this. They will tear young Ecybr to pieces.
Shame really.
The boy had such potential.
Now all he can do is sit back and watch the show.
And also get some ice for his now burnt genitals. The little things hurt like the clappers!
The loud crash awoke Dr. Bitch. Splashing smoldering hot coffee all over the doctors crotch. But the searing pain just wasn't enough to match the sudden burst of fear that swept over Bitch like a swarm of angry hornets encountering a giant frog.
The experiment was out.
Ecybr was gone.
Dr. Bitch waddled over to the control panel, and saw into the one-way window. A huge hole in the middle of the floor. Damn it, why didn't he stay awake!? No matter. He knew what needed to be done. The Doctor dialed his super secret security code "0003" and unleashed the freaks. Failed experiments. Kept up in cages to be used at times like this. They will tear young Ecybr to pieces.
Shame really.
The boy had such potential.
Now all he can do is sit back and watch the show.
And also get some ice for his now burnt genitals. The little things hurt like the clappers!
Sunday, May 9
CHapter Five: Spread
AGHHHHH. Damn it!
It's spreading worse than i thought..
I think it's been about four hours since I've woken up. Hard to tell without any clocks. But it feels like a friggin life time.
The Room is covered in a gooey crimson plasma.
Everywhere.
The once white bed sheets and corresponding white bed was drenched in the stuff. I could tell some time was passing because the blood started to grow a crusty surface on top of everything, and eventually flaked off into the dank, still air. But the pain was too much for me to notice that.
The hand with sixth finger was now perfectly movable. only difference is the nails have turned into long, black, spear like claws. Moving up my fingers, towards the knuckles. I'm not really sure when it's gonna stop..
Just then i feel twitching on the sides of my head. Ew. What is that? My.. ears.. were getting all irritated.
Then...
POP
CRAP! what the hell was that!?
I could feel my ears growing longer by the second. Simultaneously getting hairier too. Until all the sides of my head felt like long skinny earmuffs, taut and straight.
Squid really was right. I AM changing. What was it.. A.. A nightgoose.. My arm then started to convulse uncontrollably. Flipping and flapping around, bashing the walls and bed. I forced myself to stand up, try and calm myself down. But the arm. It was being covered by the black. Faster then before. It looked sleek and shiny. Fluorescent in the rooms light. The spikes on my elbow conjoined with the spreading darkness, also growing longer and faster. I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I slam my now fully caliginous arm to the ground. The hard concrete tiles sliced away like butter, revealing the floor below me.
I fell.
It's spreading worse than i thought..
I think it's been about four hours since I've woken up. Hard to tell without any clocks. But it feels like a friggin life time.
The Room is covered in a gooey crimson plasma.
Everywhere.
The once white bed sheets and corresponding white bed was drenched in the stuff. I could tell some time was passing because the blood started to grow a crusty surface on top of everything, and eventually flaked off into the dank, still air. But the pain was too much for me to notice that.
The hand with sixth finger was now perfectly movable. only difference is the nails have turned into long, black, spear like claws. Moving up my fingers, towards the knuckles. I'm not really sure when it's gonna stop..
Just then i feel twitching on the sides of my head. Ew. What is that? My.. ears.. were getting all irritated.
Then...
POP
CRAP! what the hell was that!?
I could feel my ears growing longer by the second. Simultaneously getting hairier too. Until all the sides of my head felt like long skinny earmuffs, taut and straight.
Squid really was right. I AM changing. What was it.. A.. A nightgoose.. My arm then started to convulse uncontrollably. Flipping and flapping around, bashing the walls and bed. I forced myself to stand up, try and calm myself down. But the arm. It was being covered by the black. Faster then before. It looked sleek and shiny. Fluorescent in the rooms light. The spikes on my elbow conjoined with the spreading darkness, also growing longer and faster. I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I slam my now fully caliginous arm to the ground. The hard concrete tiles sliced away like butter, revealing the floor below me.
I fell.
Saturday, May 8
Chapter Four: Watching
Dr. Bitch looked over Ecybr with extreme... interest.
His masterpiece, finally coming to fruition. It was an ingenious plan really. Foolproof to the Nth degree. Capture a little boy. Raise him in secret. Become his physician. Dub him crazy. Then become his psychiatrist. And then, once the little boy was finally old enough. he could begin his...
Experiments...
Nobody knew about his strange obsession with little children, particularly those of the male variety. Nobody knew about his secret genetic mutation labs. Nobody knew about his incredible genius. Nobody really knew him in general.
Probably because he spends his life in a basement with little kids.
Ecybr wasn't the first of his test subjects. There were many before him. All of which had failed, horribly, miserably, wrong. One poor girl was transmutated into a squid. Another little boy was put into a high stress coma, where it underwent several dreadful nightmares. Consisting of Carotene injections and Fat Men with black hole belly buttons.
But Ecybr. Ecybr was different. His immune system was at the top of the charts. Almost everything Dr. Bitch pumped into him just came straight back out. At first Ecybr was proved to be an enigma of frustration and another crushing defeat. Right until last week, where Bitch created the perfect genetic formula. Ready for Ecybr.
For a week, Bitch waited and waited. Watching Ecybr sleep in his chamber room. Waiting for his awakening.
The room had a one way window. Dr. Bitch could see Ecybr slumber, while not disturbing Ecybr's transpiration of the mind. Slowly deleting his original memory, making room for his new life.
But now that Ecybr has undergone the sixth finger. It's only a matter of time until the rest of the process is complete.
Finally.
His masterpiece, finally coming to fruition. It was an ingenious plan really. Foolproof to the Nth degree. Capture a little boy. Raise him in secret. Become his physician. Dub him crazy. Then become his psychiatrist. And then, once the little boy was finally old enough. he could begin his...
Experiments...
Nobody knew about his strange obsession with little children, particularly those of the male variety. Nobody knew about his secret genetic mutation labs. Nobody knew about his incredible genius. Nobody really knew him in general.
Probably because he spends his life in a basement with little kids.
Ecybr wasn't the first of his test subjects. There were many before him. All of which had failed, horribly, miserably, wrong. One poor girl was transmutated into a squid. Another little boy was put into a high stress coma, where it underwent several dreadful nightmares. Consisting of Carotene injections and Fat Men with black hole belly buttons.
But Ecybr. Ecybr was different. His immune system was at the top of the charts. Almost everything Dr. Bitch pumped into him just came straight back out. At first Ecybr was proved to be an enigma of frustration and another crushing defeat. Right until last week, where Bitch created the perfect genetic formula. Ready for Ecybr.
For a week, Bitch waited and waited. Watching Ecybr sleep in his chamber room. Waiting for his awakening.
The room had a one way window. Dr. Bitch could see Ecybr slumber, while not disturbing Ecybr's transpiration of the mind. Slowly deleting his original memory, making room for his new life.
But now that Ecybr has undergone the sixth finger. It's only a matter of time until the rest of the process is complete.
Finally.
Friday, May 7
Chapter Three: Extra Digits
But this isn't over.
It's just begun.
The pain is excruciating. Have you ever had diamond like shards rip out of your bone and flesh? It's not too fun. My screams covered the room. Overwhelming amounts of pressure where dealt into my joints. I was forced to grind my teeth together to try and null the pain. The spikes just kept growing, and growing, and growing. It felt like a millennium. When is it gonna stop!
I cant take the pain anymore!! I rip out one of the diamonds, clean off!
A gush of crimson poured out of the hole that was left behind. I instantly started to feel cold. The blood, it just wouldn't stop. Am i gonna just die of blood loss?
NO!
I can't die now. Not yet. I shove my pinky finger into the small hole. The bleeding stopped. Finally. I'm not really sure what pain's worse. Bones growing growing and ripping out of your flesh. Or jamming your pinky into a hole in your elbow. A wave of agony teared through me. SHIT! My pinky felt a little prick. Another bone was trying to grow wear i ripped it out. This is just insane. Even if this were supposed to happen, surely the skeleton can't re-grow so quickly!? What has Dr. Bitch done to me...
*SPLIISHHT*
GAH! the bone split through my pinky. cutting it clean in half. Leaving only a small attachment of flesh to the end of my metacarpals. I pull the finger out. The layers of pulsating pain and terror overlapping each other. I slow my breathing. And take a look at my hand. At first glance it looked as if my right hand had six fingers.
Wait.. what?
The skin around the two sides of the pinky had grown around the split bone.. My hand really DID have six fingers...
What's happening to me...
It's just begun.
The pain is excruciating. Have you ever had diamond like shards rip out of your bone and flesh? It's not too fun. My screams covered the room. Overwhelming amounts of pressure where dealt into my joints. I was forced to grind my teeth together to try and null the pain. The spikes just kept growing, and growing, and growing. It felt like a millennium. When is it gonna stop!
I cant take the pain anymore!! I rip out one of the diamonds, clean off!
A gush of crimson poured out of the hole that was left behind. I instantly started to feel cold. The blood, it just wouldn't stop. Am i gonna just die of blood loss?
NO!
I can't die now. Not yet. I shove my pinky finger into the small hole. The bleeding stopped. Finally. I'm not really sure what pain's worse. Bones growing growing and ripping out of your flesh. Or jamming your pinky into a hole in your elbow. A wave of agony teared through me. SHIT! My pinky felt a little prick. Another bone was trying to grow wear i ripped it out. This is just insane. Even if this were supposed to happen, surely the skeleton can't re-grow so quickly!? What has Dr. Bitch done to me...
*SPLIISHHT*
GAH! the bone split through my pinky. cutting it clean in half. Leaving only a small attachment of flesh to the end of my metacarpals. I pull the finger out. The layers of pulsating pain and terror overlapping each other. I slow my breathing. And take a look at my hand. At first glance it looked as if my right hand had six fingers.
Wait.. what?
The skin around the two sides of the pinky had grown around the split bone.. My hand really DID have six fingers...
What's happening to me...
Wednesday, May 5
Chapter Two: Remember
'You. Are Ecyber Vetens. You. Are a Nightgoose.'
That was all the squid said. I wasn't entirely sure if this big, amorphous looking sea creature was real or just something out of my head. But then. I remembered.
Everything.
My name is Ecyber Vetens. I used to be just like you.
NORMAL
But that... That all changed.
I was dubbed "crazy" for seeing visions. Disturbing.. Visions..
They weren't so bad really.
Just..
Well these things kept playing in my head.. Weird things..
Like, Turtle foetus's that secreted maple syrup all over their body.
Apparently, people think thats a sign of Psychosis.
Pfft. What do they know?
I was sent to a Doctor.
One who specialized in.. People like me.
His name was Dr. Bitch.
I hated him.
And it wasn't because of his Snazzy shoes.
It wasn't because of his own personal butler.
It wasn't cause he had this annoying high pitch
voice that bugged you to tears.
It wasn't even the fact that he welcomed me with,
"Hello Crazy. How are we this morning?"
It was the fact that he locked me up in his special facility to conduct horrible bio-genetic experiments on me. If anything. You could say I'm already dead.
I was injected with all sorts of stuff. Filled with all sorts of embryonic juices...
Carotene injections for example.
Black holes in a bottle was another.
That was the kind of stuff Dr. Bitch was into.
None of it ever worked of course.
Until the time when it did...
He successfully turned me into a Nightgoose. Which explains the long scaly tail and shards coming out of my elbows.
It's really only a matter of time now before it spreads...
Gee. Thanks a lot squid for helping me remember...
But it was already gone.
And Dr. Bitch was sure to follow.
That was all the squid said. I wasn't entirely sure if this big, amorphous looking sea creature was real or just something out of my head. But then. I remembered.
Everything.
My name is Ecyber Vetens. I used to be just like you.
NORMAL
But that... That all changed.
I was dubbed "crazy" for seeing visions. Disturbing.. Visions..
They weren't so bad really.
Just..
Well these things kept playing in my head.. Weird things..
Like, Turtle foetus's that secreted maple syrup all over their body.
Apparently, people think thats a sign of Psychosis.
Pfft. What do they know?
I was sent to a Doctor.
One who specialized in.. People like me.
His name was Dr. Bitch.
I hated him.
And it wasn't because of his Snazzy shoes.
It wasn't because of his own personal butler.
It wasn't cause he had this annoying high pitch
voice that bugged you to tears.
It wasn't even the fact that he welcomed me with,
"Hello Crazy. How are we this morning?"
It was the fact that he locked me up in his special facility to conduct horrible bio-genetic experiments on me. If anything. You could say I'm already dead.
I was injected with all sorts of stuff. Filled with all sorts of embryonic juices...
Carotene injections for example.
Black holes in a bottle was another.
That was the kind of stuff Dr. Bitch was into.
None of it ever worked of course.
Until the time when it did...
He successfully turned me into a Nightgoose. Which explains the long scaly tail and shards coming out of my elbows.
It's really only a matter of time now before it spreads...
Gee. Thanks a lot squid for helping me remember...
But it was already gone.
And Dr. Bitch was sure to follow.
Saturday, May 1
Chapter One: Memory
Who am I?
Thats all i could think of at first.
Who am I? Where am I?
It was cold everywhere.
Chilling.
Not a slither of sound escaped into the room.
Deafening silence reigned down.
WHERE was I?
I couldn't remember a thing.
Not one piece of data remained.
All excretions of thought seemed to have just,
Evaporated...
There was not even any room for confusion.
Just wondering.
Who am I?
I found myself sitting down when i awoke.
On a bed. Moderately messy.
Why did i sleep sitting up?
Something weird definitely happened...
But WHAT?
I counted how many tiles were on the floor.
It was in the pattern of a grid.
12X4.
Cold, lifeless tiles.
But that's to be expected?
Right?
It's not as if tiles can actually have life in the first place.
I think..
Still, no bells rang.
Who am I?
I needed to get up.
There were no doors on any wall.
But maybe there was some other way.
I step down, off the bed.
Woah....
What is that?
A large, scaly tail.
Protruding from the bottom
of my spinal column.
Spines grew from the tip of the tail.
Almost crystal like.
The same pattern that was now
appearing on my elbows.
Who am I?
What am I?
Thats all i could think of at first.
Who am I? Where am I?
It was cold everywhere.
Chilling.
Not a slither of sound escaped into the room.
Deafening silence reigned down.
WHERE was I?
I couldn't remember a thing.
Not one piece of data remained.
All excretions of thought seemed to have just,
Evaporated...
There was not even any room for confusion.
Just wondering.
Who am I?
I found myself sitting down when i awoke.
On a bed. Moderately messy.
Why did i sleep sitting up?
Something weird definitely happened...
But WHAT?
I counted how many tiles were on the floor.
It was in the pattern of a grid.
12X4.
Cold, lifeless tiles.
But that's to be expected?
Right?
It's not as if tiles can actually have life in the first place.
I think..
Still, no bells rang.
Who am I?
I needed to get up.
There were no doors on any wall.
But maybe there was some other way.
I step down, off the bed.
Woah....
What is that?
A large, scaly tail.
Protruding from the bottom
of my spinal column.
Spines grew from the tip of the tail.
Almost crystal like.
The same pattern that was now
appearing on my elbows.
Who am I?
What am I?
Friday, April 30
Maple Syrup.
The walls of the room were damp and sticky. Little Goodrip looked around. It was like a cavern. A small light extended out in the distance.
"Chocolate. Stew?" Little Goodrip's mind was a flurry. Where was It?
The light came closer. Brighter. Harder. SCORCHING-ER. Little Goodrips eyes, now carrotified, melted from Its skull momentarily.
"Welcome. Child." The voice was low and groany. Was it the light?
"Do you take.. home deliveries...?" Little Goodrip was scared. Scared of the menacing light. Whom of which was sure to eat Its pancreas! NO!
As the light became lighter, a eerie smell filled the enclosure. What was that?
The Jenkins dog? Gary the Postman? Jingles the Allidile?
No...
This smell was much more pungent. Much more robust. much more... brown.
MAPLE. SYRUP.
What emerged from the light was a tiddly thing.
A piddly thing.
But not a giggly thing.
It was the all knowing, all seeing, Turtle foetus of yore.
The pre-living legend!
"Child..." The foetus spoke. "Welcome to my domain. My Universe."
Maple syrup secreted all over its tender body. Sticking in its throat, making each word low and gurgly.
"Do you come in a twelve pack?" After Its inter-dimensional belly button journey, Little Goodrip was starved.
The maple syrup lingered in the air. Almost intoxicating in the cramped hallway of a cave. Little Goodrips retinas enlarged at the heavenly sight.
"Poor creature. You look famished. Come. I have some tea and crumpets at the end of the universe." The sticky soft shell bubbled a little as the turtle talked.
Yum.
Little Goodrip smiled.
And ate the foetus.
Chew. Chew. Chew.
The Foetus screamed in muffled maple syrup terror.
After a joyful gulp, the universe imploded.
and the fat man on the outside world was then trampled by a freak dandelion pollination ritual.
Wednesday, April 28
Carotene Square
"He. He."
"This should be fun."
Little Goodrip smiled as the syringe pressed into its brain.
Deeply.
Deeper.
But not much deeper than that.
"Hoo. Ray." Little Goodrip pushed on the end of the syringe, transferring the liquid to It's central nerve system.
"I feel......"
Little Goodrip was not able to finish Its sentence however.
For a rain cloud appeared over Its head.
"My. My." Little Goodrip said wetly.
"Where is my rectum?"
The cloud created a hyperbolic disturbance in the gravitational field of Little Goodrip.
"I guess i should of worn pants today."
Little Goodrip smiled from top-to-bottom. It smelled the puddle of brown underneath it. Feet dripping unknown substances.
"aaahhhh..."
Little Goodrip smiled again. Relaxing.
"Thats. Better."
The still connected needle snapped off from Its cranium. The orange solution was fully drained.
"Can I see in the. Dark now?"
Little Goodrip underwent a metamorphosis and turned part carrot.
"Yummy. Yum."
Little Goodrip licked Its lips as a fat mans belly button sucked It up to another dimension.
But That Children.
Is For Next Time.
Tuesday, April 27
Happy Juice
"Chug. A. Lug." Said Little Goodrip in it's meek shudder of a voice.
Down the sickly hatchet the mysterious liquid went.
"Weeeeeeeee" Little Goodrip whispered as it felt the liquid punish it's colon.
"There. There. Have a pat" Little Goodrip patted where it anticipated it's spleen to be.
Little Goodrip gave it's winning smile.
Ear-to-eyebrow.
Very charming indeed.
Little Goodrip gurgled a little foam as it decided to take a little stroll. Just through the park that was located near the strange alleyway where that mysterious masked something gave it the:
'Happy Juice'.
"Taaaake a sssssswiiiig." The masked something said in a low, raspy tone.
"All your gastroenteritis nightmares will finally finish."
"Woo. Pee." Cried Little Goodrip in a small spasm.
"I've always wanted a chili farm."
"Yeeeeeeeeeeessssss" The masked something made somewhat a slither with it's tongue.
"Whaateveer floats your massssssive boat of dreamssss and rainbowssss"
This was Seven and a Quarter point five hours ago from the last time Little Goodrip sucked down the Happy Juice.
Little Goodrip gave another winning smile while chewing.
A pigeon.
That it found on the side of the park.
"Yummy. Yum. I do like. Turkey bacon."
Little Goodrip then got washed away by a sea of jaguars.
But that, Children.
Monday, April 26
Little Goodrip
Hello children.
How are we this evening?
Gooooooooood?
That certainly is good.
I want to tell you all a story children.
It's about a little boy. Or girl. Or beaver.
It's name is Little Goodrip.
Little Goodrip was a nice little thing.
It played and danced and sang.
Like all the other little children.
Except.
There was something different about
Goodrip.
Can you guess what it is children?
Yes! that's right children.
It had a mustache.
Now this bug eyed freak with a mustache,
Liked to go up and down
escalators for fun.
Like you children do.
Only.
One day.
Little Goodrip had an..
acciideennnt.
Yes children.
Little Goodrip got sucked
into a giant thermostat.But thats another story.
For another time.
I do hope you enjoyed my little
effort children.
Until next tiiiiimmmeeeeeeeee.
SOMETHING III
Sunday, April 25
Crabsticks Like a flower juice
Jello, yes? Clover in a stem of pig nose. Real tape measures tables of justice like apples. CREATE. Today, never again, layers of toad. Healing the spring of july second new years giving thanks today huh? mellow.
Grieve lore of yonder holes. Yum for the hollow turtles my eatery forgives. Like rainbow spotted check in the box to comply the geographical appliance never before new to hurting hamburgers. Yellow red faces read hail watermelon stones for fun. Or not.
Yes?
maybe?
perhaps?
Possibly?
Never?
Forever chicken Aristotle Pythagorean mind yield on left turn. Yearning for oldening tulips of a new morrow. Real time gooseberries, hollow, trade for flowers.
Relax in due would feel dancing shindig. Hear radical carrots more your voice rains craters. Fly. Fly to ginger meadow wayward daughter child fish leg. Drinking leveling reactions gorilla. Foreignly. Surprise? Parsnip shag quackery Lego. Differ timetables dot watching. Life.
Grieve lore of yonder holes. Yum for the hollow turtles my eatery forgives. Like rainbow spotted check in the box to comply the geographical appliance never before new to hurting hamburgers. Yellow red faces read hail watermelon stones for fun. Or not.
Yes?
maybe?
perhaps?
Possibly?
Never?
Forever chicken Aristotle Pythagorean mind yield on left turn. Yearning for oldening tulips of a new morrow. Real time gooseberries, hollow, trade for flowers.
Relax in due would feel dancing shindig. Hear radical carrots more your voice rains craters. Fly. Fly to ginger meadow wayward daughter child fish leg. Drinking leveling reactions gorilla. Foreignly. Surprise? Parsnip shag quackery Lego. Differ timetables dot watching. Life.
Friday, April 16
Seriousnossessalaria
There is a, Serious issue, i must attend to today.
It revolves around a certain disease i have recently found.
The alarming thing is... It's becoming more and more apparent that it's spreading..
this is certainly not good news for anyone. Not you, not me, not even that slow cooking lamb in your oven right now.
mmm, yum yum.
This horrid disease is commonly referred to as, seriousnossessalaria!!!
Add it to your dictionary now!
Now if you think the names scary, just wait till you hear what the symptoms are!
It revolves around a certain disease i have recently found.
The alarming thing is... It's becoming more and more apparent that it's spreading..
this is certainly not good news for anyone. Not you, not me, not even that slow cooking lamb in your oven right now.
mmm, yum yum.
This horrid disease is commonly referred to as, seriousnossessalaria!!!
Add it to your dictionary now!
Now if you think the names scary, just wait till you hear what the symptoms are!
- constant irritable bowel syndrome, but in the head
- Aching back pain around the spinal chord
- Common outbursts of combustion-able implosions
- and, as the name suggests, a nasty case of:
SERIOUSNESS
Now i don't know about you, but this scares the bejesus out of me.
LUCKILY there is a cure!
a vaccine!
a final hope!
retribution!
salvation!
solution!
soluble justice!
YES
This amazing wonder drug is not a burrito though.
No, something much more potent.
you just...
well...
you just have to...
Live.
Or ya know, you could kill yourself too. that always works
Wednesday, April 14
hppy n vwls dy!!
tmrrw s dfntly mmnts ccsn ndd!
t's th wrlds vry frst:
N VWLS DY!!
dnt b lrmd f y wrn't wr f ths spcl dy bfr nw thgh!
Thts wht 'm hr fr!
N vwls dy s tht n tm f th yr whr w ll st bck nd thnk abt th grwng bvsnss f th dcln f prpr nglsh.
t s cmmnly knwn fct tht lrg smmry f wrds cntn ths Vwls.
n wy, thy r tht xtr gltns glbl f ndrstndng tht crts n ndrstndbl lngg!
BT
t s bcmng mr nd mr pprnt tht ppls nglsh s strtng t smwht... lck tht xtr zng y shld cm t xpct frm lngg.
S
ffcl nd nn-ffcl ldrs ll crss th glb hv dcdd t crt ths dy!
rmmbr t wsly: frm nw n, vry aprl 14 wll b th n vwls dy.
t s glbl rqrmnt fr vryn t pls, pls, DN'T ttr sngl lttr tht ds nt hppn t b cnsnnt!
snc m sch nc prsn hv dcdd t lst th CMPLT lttr lst fr y t s n ths mmnts ccsn.
strtng frm kybrdcl rdr:
q w r t y p s d f g h j k l z x c v b n m
S gn, b cnsdrt nd hlp spprt r dyng lngg!
thnk f th chldrn.
Tuesday, April 13
Something II
Alright, now this is really, really something.
Here. Is. A Secret. MESSAGE!!!
Only those with insane puzzel solving skill could even come close to reading this.
For everything is INVISIBLE!!
thats right.
But i guess you would of figured that out by now already eh?
ah well.
I'm back from my long, long, long, long, short trip to Australia.
Weee.
OKAY THEN! THE SECRET HIDDEN MESSAGE I PROMISED.
I MUST WARN YOU. IT'S A DOOZY.
......................................................................................................................................
Hello.
Tuesday, April 6
Tuesday, March 30
The big TWO-OH
wella wella well. I didn't think i'd live long enough to see this. My twentieth post. WHAT A WASTE OF SPACE THIS TURNED OUT TO BE.
wow, thats pretty cool. Did you see that full stop I just used? woo thats tiny!
dumdedumdumdum hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..
what is it with the world and it's lack of INSPIRING things?
I'm sure we haven't run out yet. I'm sure there'll be SOMETHING SOMWHERE in that big ol' world out there.
It's just the trouble of finding it...
Too bad I'm incredibly lazy!
Ahhhhh weeeeeeellll.
Goin to AUZZIE soon. what an eventful trip THAT'LL turn out to be! OH BOY! I JUST LOOOOVE THAT PLACE!
Especially all those nice people who say i dont deserve to live cause i just CoUlDN't bE bOThEreD to learn the freakin' national anthem!
But that's half the fun of the place really.
Like they say, 'There's no place like home'
Whoever "THEY" are..
Wow, don't you ever wonder where all those timeless sayings come from? I mean it's not like they just popped up out of the blue right!?
Speaking of popping.
Did you know that when cow's fart they release methane gas? [Well, when anything farts really] And according to the "theory" of global warming. This is one of the gases that HEATS UP OUR PLANET!!
So really. I've come up with a solution to this global "Catastrophe"
JUST STOP FARTING!!
It's plain simple really. According to esteemed scientists everywhere, if every animal stops farting we'll cut our carbon emissions in HALF!!
THATS A NUMBER TOO BIG FOR ME TO EVEN ESTIMATE!!!!
So remember folks. Exiledmicrobe's friendly tip of the day.
=)
what has the world come to...
wow, thats pretty cool. Did you see that full stop I just used? woo thats tiny!
dumdedumdumdum hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..
what is it with the world and it's lack of INSPIRING things?
I'm sure we haven't run out yet. I'm sure there'll be SOMETHING SOMWHERE in that big ol' world out there.
It's just the trouble of finding it...
Too bad I'm incredibly lazy!
Ahhhhh weeeeeeellll.
Goin to AUZZIE soon. what an eventful trip THAT'LL turn out to be! OH BOY! I JUST LOOOOVE THAT PLACE!
Especially all those nice people who say i dont deserve to live cause i just CoUlDN't bE bOThEreD to learn the freakin' national anthem!
But that's half the fun of the place really.
Like they say, 'There's no place like home'
Whoever "THEY" are..
Wow, don't you ever wonder where all those timeless sayings come from? I mean it's not like they just popped up out of the blue right!?
Speaking of popping.
Did you know that when cow's fart they release methane gas? [Well, when anything farts really] And according to the "theory" of global warming. This is one of the gases that HEATS UP OUR PLANET!!
--OHH NOOO!!--
So really. I've come up with a solution to this global "Catastrophe"
JUST STOP FARTING!!
It's plain simple really. According to esteemed scientists everywhere, if every animal stops farting we'll cut our carbon emissions in HALF!!
THATS A NUMBER TOO BIG FOR ME TO EVEN ESTIMATE!!!!
So remember folks. Exiledmicrobe's friendly tip of the day.
"Clog up your butts and have a colder tomorrow!"
=)
what has the world come to...
Saturday, March 27
The Encepholohybranocosis
Sometime, in the near future, there is going to be a new species of animal.
It is going to be amazing.
Stupendous.
Magical.
Extraordinary.
Uber wicked awesome.
Radical.
Nyeh.
AND much, much more. (damn, where'd that thesaurus go..)
This creature will have seven eyes.
A mustache.
TWO tongues.
A polka-dotted liver.
A fancy looking bow tie. [for added classiness]
Two fuzzy little ears.
Buck teeth.
Widdle cute paws.
And, last but obviously not least:
A TOP HAT!!
This rare and illustrious animal is an in-bred hybrid. Not one animal nor another.
But the combined version of both. They also happen to be cousins.
Now, i suppose you're wondering what this platypus wannabe is, no?
The combined slowness of a wombat.
And the uber wicked rad awesomeness of a mongoose.
Gelled together to create a snake eating, grass munching, desert dwelling, non-flying, land mammal.
The Encepholohybranocosis
also know as the Goosebat in stupified terms.
Oh yeah and did i mention it's twelve foot seven?
It is going to be amazing.
Stupendous.
Magical.
Extraordinary.
Uber wicked awesome.
Radical.
Nyeh.
AND much, much more. (damn, where'd that thesaurus go..)
This creature will have seven eyes.
A mustache.
TWO tongues.
A polka-dotted liver.
A fancy looking bow tie. [for added classiness]
Two fuzzy little ears.
Buck teeth.
Widdle cute paws.
And, last but obviously not least:
A TOP HAT!!
This rare and illustrious animal is an in-bred hybrid. Not one animal nor another.
But the combined version of both. They also happen to be cousins.
Now, i suppose you're wondering what this platypus wannabe is, no?
The combined slowness of a wombat.
And the uber wicked rad awesomeness of a mongoose.
Gelled together to create a snake eating, grass munching, desert dwelling, non-flying, land mammal.
The Encepholohybranocosis
also know as the Goosebat in stupified terms.
Oh yeah and did i mention it's twelve foot seven?
Monday, March 8
No Good (My next work in progress [not totally finished though just a draft] got a little anger out with this.. not implying any of it is based on real life ;) )
You are gone now
I'm set free
Ending all
The tyranny
I'll never trust you
And i never shall
But I wont blame you,
Cause you're a cow-
Everybody was right,
You're no good for me!
Everybody was right,
And now i can see
The fog has lifted,
I'm blind no more.
I can't believe
You're a fucking whore!
Everybody was right,
You're no good for me!
Everybody was right
And now I can
See
I'm set free
Ending all
The tyranny
I'll never trust you
And i never shall
But I wont blame you,
Cause you're a cow-
Everybody was right,
You're no good for me!
Everybody was right,
And now i can see
The fog has lifted,
I'm blind no more.
I can't believe
You're a fucking whore!
Everybody was right,
You're no good for me!
Everybody was right
And now I can
See
Saturday, February 20
NEW WORD -- OFFICIAL ANNOUNCMENT TO THE WORLD
ATTENTION GOOD PEOPLE OF THE WORLD
I AM HERE TO FORMERLY ANNOUNCE A NEW WORD TO BE ADDED TO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
IT IS A MULTI PURPOSE WORD. BUILT FOR ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. THE PENULTIMATE EXCLAMATION OF ALL EXCLAMATIONS. FEAR THIS ALMIGHTY NEW WORD FOR IT SHALL DOMINATE ALL OTHER WORDS OF ITS KIND!!
THE INCREDIBLE NEW WORD IS AS FOLLOWS-
Mehblehughcoughgaah
pronounced
(m)(eh)(b)(leh)(ugh)(ko)(ff)(ga)(ah)
THE WORD MAY BE USED IN ANY/ALL CONVERSATION MATERIAL.
USE IT IN YOUR IMPORTANT, VITAL, GRADE SETTING ESSAYS.
USE IT FOR A BIG, FANCY BUSINESS MEETING.
USE IT LIKE AN EXPLETIVE.
USE IT JUST FOR FUN.
USE IT WHENEVER AND WHEREVER YOU WANT!!!!!!
just make sure you use it in every sentence from now on. you will be constantly monitored.
Don't make the same mistake little Johnny did!
We really are watching!
THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!
BROUGHT TO YOU BY EXILEDMICROBE!
MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.
FOR YOU!
I AM HERE TO FORMERLY ANNOUNCE A NEW WORD TO BE ADDED TO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
IT IS A MULTI PURPOSE WORD. BUILT FOR ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. THE PENULTIMATE EXCLAMATION OF ALL EXCLAMATIONS. FEAR THIS ALMIGHTY NEW WORD FOR IT SHALL DOMINATE ALL OTHER WORDS OF ITS KIND!!
THE INCREDIBLE NEW WORD IS AS FOLLOWS-
Mehblehughcoughgaah
pronounced
(m)(eh)(b)(leh)(ugh)(ko)(ff)(ga)(ah)
THE WORD MAY BE USED IN ANY/ALL CONVERSATION MATERIAL.
USE IT IN YOUR IMPORTANT, VITAL, GRADE SETTING ESSAYS.
USE IT FOR A BIG, FANCY BUSINESS MEETING.
USE IT LIKE AN EXPLETIVE.
USE IT JUST FOR FUN.
USE IT WHENEVER AND WHEREVER YOU WANT!!!!!!
just make sure you use it in every sentence from now on.
Don't make the same mistake little Johnny did!
We really are watching!
THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!
BROUGHT TO YOU BY EXILEDMICROBE!
MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.
FOR YOU!
Thursday, February 18
Chocolate Soup
I went to a Hungarian dinner tonight, and boy was it great!
For starters I had a piece of ice-cold bread, served with some strange yellowish-red gelatinous mass that sort of tasted like butter.. yum yum.
For beverages, i decided to go for a classic. A bottle of water. Luckily today they decided to put their drink stocks in the fridge. (they don't normally do that) But, of all the horrible, most treacherous, EVIL things they could of done to my poor little drink. They did the worst. They served me the water in a glass full of ice with, to my horrid surprise, a SLICE OF LEMON!!! I was scared witless! Never before had i been served such a sour mineral-ly water.
Then i had chicken soup.
I quite liked that. :)
AND THEN, (DRUM ROLL PLEASE), ANNOUNCING THE MAIN COURSE:
CHERKOVICH SAUSAGE! (please note that name is an estimate of the real thing, i can't really remember the sausages proper name but this sounds close enough.) To put it simply. It looked like a BIG, CURLY, STEAMER!
It reminded me of that fake poop
i bought on my recent trip to KL---------->
Now, as horrible as all this sounds, it wasn't all so bad compared to what was to come.
Gather round kiddies, this one's a doozy!
For desert i figured nothing i ordered could be as bad as a big poo sausage..
But oh boy, was i WRONG...
I chose the "chocolate soup" i thought it didn't sound too bad. Heck, it even came with a scoop of vanilla ice-cream! Little did i know the delicious dairy treat was only to sucker in the consumer to order this icy demon.
After WAY too long, it finally arrived! I looked at it with satisfaction.
DESERT! FINALLY!
I grab my spoon and shove it in and WOAH THERE! WHAT'S THIS! It was all runny... almost like... a drink..?
The ice-cream was just floating in the middle. It reminded me of a snowy little island in a sea of... brown. Appetizing thought right?
heh.. thats what i thought.
Ah well, I think I've vented enough today.
Until next time, this is Exiledmicrobe, Signin' off!.. or whatever.. haha
For starters I had a piece of ice-cold bread, served with some strange yellowish-red gelatinous mass that sort of tasted like butter.. yum yum.
For beverages, i decided to go for a classic. A bottle of water. Luckily today they decided to put their drink stocks in the fridge. (they don't normally do that) But, of all the horrible, most treacherous, EVIL things they could of done to my poor little drink. They did the worst. They served me the water in a glass full of ice with, to my horrid surprise, a SLICE OF LEMON!!! I was scared witless! Never before had i been served such a sour mineral-ly water.
Then i had chicken soup.
I quite liked that. :)
AND THEN, (DRUM ROLL PLEASE), ANNOUNCING THE MAIN COURSE:
CHERKOVICH SAUSAGE! (please note that name is an estimate of the real thing, i can't really remember the sausages proper name but this sounds close enough.) To put it simply. It looked like a BIG, CURLY, STEAMER!
It reminded me of that fake poop
i bought on my recent trip to KL---------->Now, as horrible as all this sounds, it wasn't all so bad compared to what was to come.
Gather round kiddies, this one's a doozy!
For desert i figured nothing i ordered could be as bad as a big poo sausage..
But oh boy, was i WRONG...
I chose the "chocolate soup" i thought it didn't sound too bad. Heck, it even came with a scoop of vanilla ice-cream! Little did i know the delicious dairy treat was only to sucker in the consumer to order this icy demon.
After WAY too long, it finally arrived! I looked at it with satisfaction.
DESERT! FINALLY!
I grab my spoon and shove it in and WOAH THERE! WHAT'S THIS! It was all runny... almost like... a drink..?
The ice-cream was just floating in the middle. It reminded me of a snowy little island in a sea of... brown. Appetizing thought right?
heh.. thats what i thought.
Ah well, I think I've vented enough today.
Until next time, this is Exiledmicrobe, Signin' off!.. or whatever.. haha
Sunday, January 10
Coughing (thats right, i even write poetry)
Coughing is the way one feels
as irritation consists in the esophagus
when one of your delectable meals
like a nice succulent piece of asparagus
gets stuck inside your pipes
like a plumber on a mission
it digs out deep and strong
to save you from ignition
by a scolding hot oolong
coughing can be used as a cover
a cloak from the prying eyes
pretending to be sick for your mother
or maybe as a disguise
to pass on something contagious
like a nasty little virus
flowing revolting bile and phlegm
but come next week its better
and its stuck with some other specimen
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